That’s all folks!

I have thought about what I need to write.  I say “need”, because I do need to write this. Even if it’s only into a void cyberspace, I need to say this. Release it, get it out of my head.

So many thoughts, so many emotions. 

I began this blog with a hope to share a new journey. Proof that new and exciting things can lay ahead. A journey that could have helped our marriage and helped me in ways that nothing else could have. 

I love my husband. So much. But this isn’t ever going to happen. By “this” I mean a sexual relationship. Whether vanilla or erotic and kinky. I’m simply not going to have a spicy romance. I won’t ever have the sexually, the passionate closeness I have always craved with him. We are in our early 50’s so I knew it was a dream from the start. But a gals gotta dream, right? At any age?

I’m so thankful for him in every other way. He’s amazing. In every other way 

It is what it is. 

I don’t know why I would take the time to write and blog this. I can only say it helps in some weird way.  I have no one I can talk to about these things. I mean, zero… no one! So this white, blank page is my muse.

I will carry on and be happy for all the good I have and try not to feel lonely in this area. It’s a struggle. I know it’s not me, yet I still feel lonely at times. Unattractive. Undesirable.  Sad.

I have tried over the years communicating. I have suggested therapy, viagra, many many things!! The last couple of years, we started to explore a more “kinky” lifestyle. I figured THAT would entice him. I thought it was every mans dream. That didn’t seem to do much. 

If I talk to him about this, it stresses him out. He feels he does all he can do. He gets frustrated and even more distant. He shuts down, afraid that any smile or touch is a sad reminder to me of what’s not available. So I leave him alone and carry the burden, alone. 

I hold on to the days that he comes home from work and gives me a kiss, or a hug. He doesn’t “hold me” really, but its a nice hug with a quick kiss on the mouth.
He will also text me 2-3 times a week when we are at work to say he loves me, or that he is thankful for me. I love those messages! I have kept each and every one.

But, sometimes I dream. I will watch him from the corner of my eye, sitting down the couch from me, and I dream of him touching me, wanting me, longing for me. I dream of him staring at me with hunger. Almost forcefully taking me.
I don’t want to be fondled every moment of every day, but to be touched sensually every now and again? To be caressed and have my neck kissed. To feel his hardness aching for me, to be held and have him breath me in. These things don’t happen, yet somehow I’m suppose to feel wanted, attractive, special? 

I am tucking that dream away and just learn to be happy for what I do have. 

I know he loves me. That has to be enough.  

He’s not cheating. I 150% believe he’s not, for may reasons. Im not a gullible twit. I know he’s not.

So over and out. It was a fun though, a few dollar wasted on toys that now lay in the landfill. Not much lost because I didn’t gain much.

I’m so vanilla!

I know we are so vanilla compared to where so many of you are!

I am blogging for two reasons. 1. So I have a journal of sorts. I want to be able to go back and read our/my progression. 2. I really do love feedback and advice. I may not be where someone else is and I may not agree with all someone has to say. But I do desire to learn a new way, a new world.

I would like to add a #3 once I learn. #3 would be that I can contribute thoughts and advice that’s helpful as well.

I don’t write poetically, or with style. Most likely I never will. Bare with me. As I grow I hope to give those who wish to follow, something helpful and more interesting to read.

A lot of talking, a little spanking…

My hubby and I sat and had a long talk yesterday. It was great!

We have been having some issues. Mainly, I have been having some issues and because I have been unhappy, “we” have had issues.

I sat down and spent an hour unloading my thoughts and feelings. He listened, and we talked. I explained that I needed him to lead more. He is so mentally wrapped in his work (and I truly understand this) but I need him wrapped up with “our” life together too.

He knows I am a very aware person. I see everything, I feel deeply. I find calm in order and neatness. I thrive on schedules and organization! If things are not this way, I crash. When I crash, I absorb and get distant. Its a survival thing 🙂

After our talk, I felt better. I think because I cried so hard. I needed to dump those emotions. I have had months of built up emotions. I felt as if my husband didn’t care about my needs. I have felt like he is too busy to take care of me. I take care of everyone and everything regarding our home. He likes it that way and I am fine taking care of it all. But it’s exhausting and draining, AND… what do I get? I get major stress and a husband who is too ADD and tends to absorb himself into work too deeply.

But like I said, after we talked last night, I felt better. Mainly because of crying, but also because I think he finally heard me. He shared, regarding spanking, that he doesn’t want to hurt me. He also said that he doesn’t understand all of this. It’s new and seems odd to him. I get that.

So, we found common ground. If I am feeling stressed, I can ask him to spank me. I also told him that if he sees I am stressed and I am annoying him, he has the right to spank me. He agreed!

So we tried it. Stress spanking that is. He went slow at first. Just using his hand. Then He used the wooden spoon for a bit. I felt he was being to gentle, but I didn’t want to critique him right out of the shoot.
Then he grabbed the leather paddle. By this time I wanted to scream BEAT MY ASS, make it hurt! After about 10 soft swats, I did blurt out “why don’t you strike a little harder. See what that does” Then he ramped it up. He gave me about 20 good swats. I was actually wiggling a little after the first couple. NICE!!

It wasn’t enough, but it warmed him up. (not just me) I know he needs to slowly walk into this.

He told me this morning that he felt I was relaxed more last night than he has seen in a couple weeks. He asked if I thought it was because of the spanking. I told him I thought it was mainly because we talked, really talked. We connected in a way we haven’t for a very long time. I also thought it was because I had cried when we were talking. Crying helps me unload emotions. I said “the spanking was a nice start, but to be honest, it was mostly too soft”

This morning, he smacked my ass as he walked out the door for work and said, “Maybe we can redo last night, tonight.” That gave me butterflies!

I sent him a few links from other bloggers, to read while he eats lunch today. I am hoping it eases him a little more.

One day…one day!

There isn’t many reading by blog, yet. But for you that did, the day before yesterday I dumped some frustrations. It just felt good just typing it all out.
I do need to learn to spell check however! Especially when I am typing angry!! LOL
See! I need my husband to read my blogs. I can get one hard swat for each misspelled word, or lack of proper punctuation. That will help me to remember to spell check before posting 😉

Yesterday didn’t workout like I wanted it to. I am use to it. So instead of getting frustrated… again, I opened a bootle of red wine and turned on the office. Whatever my zen can be, right? Stay positive! Oh, and I drank the whole fucking bottle!

My main goal was stress relief. Sometimes I just need something.
I tend to get stressed to the point I can feel myself shaking on the inside. I have had issues throughout my life that has created one major stress after another. It’s like over the years parts of that stress remained and then as more stresses come on, it just builds up and then destroys my health.

I haven’t given up hope that we will get there.
He doesn’t get very excited when work is pressing down on him. I get that. So play time gets put on the back burner and furthermore, he just doesn’t think “punishment” is needed. He says, I’m a “grown ass adult”, I know what I need to do. SO!!! Would it be out of line to write things I need to accomplish and if I miss the mark, I can have a punishment listed? I can bring him my note and say “Dear, this is what I needed to do today. and here is where I failed. I need x amount of swats with the paddle. I am a grown ass adult, you are right. I know EXACTLY what I need” 🙂

I have bought a leather paddle, a crop, a thin wooden paddle. We have other toys I have bought, nipple claps, butt plugs, blind fold, restraints. Who wouldn’t love to play with these things with their wife! UGH!

One day… one day!

Sometimes I wonder if I really understand what I am pressing my husband to do. I wonder, am I going to regret ever giving him this kind of power, WITH A PADDLE IN HAND?? Then I get butterflies and think.. yep! Bring it on!

When a husband won’t lead, but wants that control of leadership…. what to do?

It’s been 2 months since I’ve written anything! I’m not a writer by nature.

I also tend to withdraw when life is hard.
I feel trapped, frustrated, unsure of myself, angry, and at times I’m not sure if I want to continue my marriage. I’m jut being honest.

These last two months have been full of let downs, disappointments, financial issues and I haven’t like who my husband is lately. Again., being honest!!

Here are some issues and questions. First, my husband can’t lead. Not just in my eyes. He’s never been able to. Leader ship by definition means: “the art of motivating a group of people to act towards achieving a common goal” Doesn’t that “common goal” need to be something good and right? Not just one mans goal? And sometimes I don’t think there is a goal, I think he just wants life his way no matter that outcome. I pisses me off!
He wants to lead, to be in charge of thing but can’t. For example… finances. When we met all those moons ago, all his bills were late. WITH MONEY IN HIS BANK ACCOUNT! He took over finances a few years back (we fight constantly about his spending habits so I gave the finances to him) and we ended up filing bankruptcy. He wants to do right, but his level of try isn’t what I feel it should be. Whether its picking up after himself, spending money when we cant afford it, helping parent the kids, projects around the house, etc.

So thats why I get frustrated. That’s why I’m not sure if this life style will ever work for us. How do I let someone lead, when he doesn’t know the rules of a particular situation. If you bake cookies, you have a recipe. If you don’t add certain ingredients, then you don’t have cookies. To me it’s that simple.

I am told often (and he has taught this to the kids) that I require too much from people. I don’t require too much, I require what’s right. If you struggle with math, you study. If you clean the kitchen, you also wipe the counters and stove. If you don’t have money, you don’t spend money.

I know I have come to a point of frustration that I want everything around me clean, neat, tidy and right. Its my go-to stress reliever. Which is one reason I wanted this life style. Sometimes I just crave my ass to be beat. I just crave leadership. But, done right!

Also, its been two months of nothing. NOTHING… did I mention, nothing? He doesn’t stay on top of anything. Not even sex.

Is he depressed? Lazy? ADD?

I paint a picture of a terrible man. Although these are real flaws, he is amazing in so many ways. Selfish at times (and maybe I feel this way because I’m a giver. I like to put others before me and I know he struggles with this) but he does love his family. I know he loves me. He works hard. He’s honest. He would never ever step out on me. He would give you the shirt off his own back. Those are easy for him though, it’s the other things he doesn’t like to do, or feels there isn’t value in them.

IDK.. maybe we need a marriage counselor?

We fought all weekend. It began Thursday. He was frustrated with a client and wrapped me into it. I hadn’t even done anything (and those were his words) he said it was a lifetime of my nagging. He was tired of not doing anything right in my eyes. I did tell him that he does many things right, but when he’s wrong he needs to own up to it. ( I wasn’t that calm about it though…)

The problem is, he can’t see when he’s wrong, Its ALWAYS me! He feels I’m over the top with my expectation and I feel he’s way under what’s needed to maintain a home properly. UGH!!! That fucking impasse!

Finally last night I told him that I just wanted spanked. I was so fucking frustrated and I needed some type of release. And he did, with his hand. He did get to a point where it was stinging pretty good. I wanted more, but I think he was afraid of hurting me. Tonight I am literally going to shower, not get dressed and just come lay across his lap. Do you think he will get the hint?

Now that I have dumped the on anyone who is reading… how do I submit to a man who makes poor choices? How do I submit and respect a man who is allowing a child to act extremely bad towards ME and he says nothing? How do I let our house not be clean so it makes him not feel bad because he cant/wont see the messes?
Am I to OCD? Am I too demanding? Do I worry about neatness and finances too much?

Sometimes I feel I over compensate because he doesn’t engage in certain areas.

I really need some advice!!!

I would LOVE to hear advice from men who have struggled with leadership, and ADD… if possible 🙂

Noise matters!

I was just sitting here thinking about something my husband told me a couple weeks ago.

He said that he likes making noise during sex and loves to hear me make noises. Moans are hott! One night during sex he said “damn I love fucking you, and he began thrusting harder”. If the bed squeaks there’s no one to hear it. We could go as hard and fast as we wanted too! Say what we want. Make noise!

We had kids in the house for 28 years. When there is a house full of kids, one of your super powers is silent sex!

So yes. Noise matters. Grunting, moaning, talking dirty are all turn ons!

We had a child move back with us a week ago, so we’ve lost some fizz for now. But you better believe that when we can be free in the bedroom again, there will be plenty of moaning, spanking and telling him to fuck me.

Going backwards

I have wanted to write something, but there really isn’t anything to write.

We seemed to be heading forward, as far as spanko land goes, then everything just came to a halt!

Our son moved back home. Our house is small. He works during the day, and is home in the evenings. So we have zero “alone” time. sigh!
I suggested that we pay for a movie night for he and his friend. lol

It wasn’t much, but it was nice to watch little tv in the evenings, and my dear hubby would just rub and smack my ass. Kiss, pinch my nipple a little. We would just rub and kiss. Our almost non existent sex life was coming alive a bit. We didn’t always have sex and sometimes oral sex was all he could do. It was something. Now… nothing. Zero, zip, zilch!
(it still feels awkward to be so open about this!)

I want our tiny little kink back. I want my husband to have those hungry eyes again when he walked in the door.
One time I was wearing a skirt, and he came in, lifted my skirt. Saw the panties, smacked my ass with one pretty hard swat, and said “oh, these won’t do!” and took them off. It was freaking hott!

I mean, is it really too much to pay for an apartment for him? lol

Something so simple!

Happy Saturday!
I want to share something, or even have a memorable time stamp.
I began to ask my hubby to open the car door for me and drive. Some back story, I DRIVE. Did I mention I DRIVE? I don’t like how he drives and its always bugged me. A LOT…
So being the easy going man he is, I just drive. We don’t even think about it. Heading to the store? I head to the drivers seat, and he the passenger. (a very visual glimpse of our relationship in that one sentence)
A couple days ago I asked if he would mind driving, but the cost is, he has to come open my door. He smiled and walked over and opened the door.
It’s a small thing, but I really think it spoke to him. We have only left the house a few times since, but since then he opens my door and drives.

Today we went somewhere and he drove there, but when we went to leave he (out of habit) walked to the passenger door, and I did as well. He stopped and looked at me confused for a second, then laughed and said “oh ya. I wondered what you were doing, This will take time to get use to.”
He wasn’t heading the the door to open it for me, he was walking to the passenger door because thats his side of the car! It was anyhow.

He then opened the door for me and walked around and sat in the drivers seat. He started the car and sat for a second. I could tell he was thinking, but I wasn’t sure exactly what. I am sure Im confusing the complete hell out of this man.
I just kissed him and said “I just think it’s time I put my penis away and let the real man lead” idk what I said it like that but we both laughed. He kissed me and smiled. He didn’t say anything else. I can tell he’s thinking. Which is one of the many reasons I want a blog. One day I am going to go back through this and say “Is that where we WERE?”

Turn over!


Okay okay okay!!  I just want to scream into cyberland what happened last night. Only you that crave a spanking of any kind will get it!
I mean, it’s been a YEAR!

About a year ago I found this love for being tied up. Go figure, right? And as I mentioned in another post, my husband struggles with ED. But if I give him a blow job, he doesn’t have issue. Isn’t that just like a man! lol

So last night we were laying in bed. Just laying there in his arms. And he starts kissing, rubbing, letting his hands roam. Those hands! ❤️

Next thing I know, hand cuffs come out of no where and I’m tied to the head board. And then his mouth went everywhere. I’m not sure what he’s been reading, or if he even has, but that tongue did some pretty damn amazing things. WOW

After some amazing oral sex, he untied my hands and said “roll over”. I thought “wow, this is my night. I’m going to get a back massage to follow THAT??” Nope. Out came this leather paddle I had bought a year ago. The virgin paddle. Never been used. Till now.

What’s odd to me is, I have been teasing, begging in crafty ways.  And now here we are, so guess what I do? I saw that paddle and flipped back over, told him “uh, excuse me. What are you going to do with that?” He smiles and said, “turn over now, and stay over”, then he flipped me back over.

He rubbed it over my bare ass for a minute then gave me 4 light swats. Then a more firm one that actually made me jump.

Then he said “so you like that?” Which I responded “yes” then he put the paddle away (☹️) and told me we would do it again soon.

It wasn’t what I wanted, but it’s a start. It only took a year!! Haha

Just more playful teasing. *sigh

Last night when my husband came home, he was in a playful mood.

Usually he needs time to unwind from work noise job is very stressful. But last night he seemed in really good spirits and very jokey. So I jumped in, giving my DD teases. We have teased off and on for about a year and just nothing happens. I’m not letting up 😉

Last night he asked if I mailed a paper for him. I didn’t, Itwas a pretty busy day for me and I just forgot. I said “oh babe, no I didn’t. I should be spanked!” He just laughed.

An hour later he asked if I had remembered something at the store when I had went earlier in the day. Forgot again! So again I said “oh babe, no I didn’t. I should be spanked!” And again he just laughed. Darn it.

Later when we were getting ready for bed, my husband started telling me something just as I started talking. So I said “that was rude of me to over talk you. I really need to be spanked for that.” He smiles and said “you know one day I’m not going to laugh your irresponsibility off. One day I’m going to give you a good, hard spanking”


I know he was just joking like he does, but there seemed to be a little spark or maybe longing in his eye this time.

Today I might just forget to mail that paper again 😉