I have thought about what I need to write. I say “need”, because I do need to write this. Even if it’s only into a void cyberspace, I need to say this. Release it, get it out of my head.
So many thoughts, so many emotions.
I began this blog with a hope to share a new journey. Proof that new and exciting things can lay ahead. A journey that could have helped our marriage and helped me in ways that nothing else could have.
I love my husband. So much. But this isn’t ever going to happen. By “this” I mean a sexual relationship. Whether vanilla or erotic and kinky. I’m simply not going to have a spicy romance. I won’t ever have the sexually, the passionate closeness I have always craved with him. We are in our early 50’s so I knew it was a dream from the start. But a gals gotta dream, right? At any age?
I’m so thankful for him in every other way. He’s amazing. In every other way
It is what it is.
I don’t know why I would take the time to write and blog this. I can only say it helps in some weird way. I have no one I can talk to about these things. I mean, zero… no one! So this white, blank page is my muse.
I will carry on and be happy for all the good I have and try not to feel lonely in this area. It’s a struggle. I know it’s not me, yet I still feel lonely at times. Unattractive. Undesirable. Sad.
I have tried over the years communicating. I have suggested therapy, viagra, many many things!! The last couple of years, we started to explore a more “kinky” lifestyle. I figured THAT would entice him. I thought it was every mans dream. That didn’t seem to do much.
If I talk to him about this, it stresses him out. He feels he does all he can do. He gets frustrated and even more distant. He shuts down, afraid that any smile or touch is a sad reminder to me of what’s not available. So I leave him alone and carry the burden, alone.
I hold on to the days that he comes home from work and gives me a kiss, or a hug. He doesn’t “hold me” really, but its a nice hug with a quick kiss on the mouth.
He will also text me 2-3 times a week when we are at work to say he loves me, or that he is thankful for me. I love those messages! I have kept each and every one.
But, sometimes I dream. I will watch him from the corner of my eye, sitting down the couch from me, and I dream of him touching me, wanting me, longing for me. I dream of him staring at me with hunger. Almost forcefully taking me.
I don’t want to be fondled every moment of every day, but to be touched sensually every now and again? To be caressed and have my neck kissed. To feel his hardness aching for me, to be held and have him breath me in. These things don’t happen, yet somehow I’m suppose to feel wanted, attractive, special?
I am tucking that dream away and just learn to be happy for what I do have.
I know he loves me. That has to be enough.
He’s not cheating. I 150% believe he’s not, for may reasons. Im not a gullible twit. I know he’s not.
So over and out. It was a fun though, a few dollar wasted on toys that now lay in the landfill. Not much lost because I didn’t gain much.